


honestdropthoughts.tumblr.com

by Layni1771



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Anxiety Disorder, Attention Deficit Disorder, Bullying, Cafes, Depression, Divorce, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family, Family Dynamics, Family Issues, Friendship, HOW CUTE IS THAT, Humor, Hwang Hyunjin Builds A Support System, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Childhood Sexual Abuse, Insomnia, Libraries, M/M, Now For The Lighter Stuff, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Polyamory, Romance, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Sleepovers, Slow Burn, Triggers, Trust Issues, Tumblr Blog!AU, all of these tags do not apply to one character, and hot chocolate, and parks too, because i'm still not certain where this is going to ultimately go, dedicated to sharing your deepest darkest thoughts, hwang hyunjin opens a confessions blog, hyunjin makes these things called "sunday smile posts", it's how he decides to deal with his anxiety, oh yeah, past drug abuse, sleepovers happen a lot it's really cute, the excessive drinking of tea, we have nine boys, with different issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-04
Updated: 2019-01-08
Packaged: 2019-05-02 06:36:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 19,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14538798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Layni1771/pseuds/Layni1771
Summary: The idea was born on one of Hyunjin's bad days- The days where his mind was filled to the brim with "can't" and "please help" and he was point-two seconds away from crying as he walked into the school, smiling as brightly as ever. A place where he could put all of his negativity without feeling guilty for imposing on others, and offer the rest of the world the same opportunity. Therapeutic, he supposed.honestdropthoughts.tumblr.com was born on a cool May morning.





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> When I said I might end up posting something else this week, this is not what I had in mind but it was born.
> 
> To start, this is NOT prewritten unlike everything else I've posted. I will be updating this pretty much as I finish chapters, so please don't expect consistent updates. Now, the other sort of huge thing-
> 
> This fic is 112% outside of my comfort zone. I have never written anything like it. This fic is the single largest experiment I've done with my writing since my first piece years ago. These genres? They are not ones I work with. I work only with angst and romance, and occasionally angst and family. This is what I'm best at, so to write a high school AU with friendship, humor, and the like? Absolutely nothing I've done before. Not only that, but to write a continuous story is difficult for me- Even What Doesn't Change was essentially a series of loosely connected oneshots. In truth, all of my upcoming pieces are really experimenting with styles and genres but this has got to be the most difficult for me. I ask for patience as I find my voice in this one, and as I solidify the plot.
> 
> Feel free to comment any other ships you would like to see, as there certainly will be more. I am willing to add in a polyamorous couple, but even beyond that I'm just not certain what other pairings I want to write in. So like I said, feel free to leave some ideas for me to pick through!
> 
> As a final note, I want to say that Hyunjin has been diagnosed with GAD, or generalized anxiety disorder, in this fic. I have essentially given him my mindset but be aware that the way my/his anxiety presents itself is not accurate to everyone. Anxiety is unique for every individual and so I can only write based on my own experiences and the experiences of those around me.
> 
> I hope you enjoy the first chapter of honestdropthoughts.tumblr.com, and can you believe I only learned how to actually make a Tumblr blog because of this fic because I had no idea how to actually use it even though I've had one for years--

Hyunjin moaned as his mind was suddenly brought to awakeness, the sound of Kkami's nails clicking on his wooden floor loud and repetitive as the small dog attempted to find a more comfortable position on the floor. Already, he could feel what he "fondly" labeled as his  _old friend anxiety_  prickling at the base of his neck, and he sighed into the pillows that were wet with his drool. Still, he pressed his lips into a thin line and clenched his aching teeth, allowing his blurry eyes to open in the darkness. The boy turned, squinting at the purple color of his old digital alarm clock. The time read five a.m. and he knew it was time for him to get ready for class, as much as he didn't want to leave the warm security of his blankets.

The blankets provided away to fight the demons that laughed inside of him without pause.

But as always, Hyunjin kicked them away, his bare feet cramping as they touched the cold of his floor. He winced and shivered as he unplugged his phone, shuffling out of the bedroom and into the kitchen. Kkami groaned as he padded by her softly but settled back down to sleep, and a fond smile laced with affection tugged up his lips briefly. It was a bit more light outside of his bedroom, the blinds open and the sun just starting to rise. The sky outside was a dark blue still, but it slowly was turning into a lilac almost, and the bright moon still hung high in the sky for his eyes to see. Hyunjin allowed himself a few moments to admire it, a soft feeling fluttering against the anxiety in the pit of his stomach.

He moved into the kitchen, pressing the touch screen _on_ button of his brewer, unlocking his phone as he waited for the machine to heat up. There were no particular thoughts playing in his mind at the time, his largest focus on drinking whatever tea would catch his interest in the cupboard that morning. His brightness was as low as possible and he clicked his email, mindlessly deleting most of them and saving the important ones for later. Once the brewer fell silent he opened the cupboards above the small counter, unsure of what he wanted. Vanilla sounded nice, but wouldn't that send him to sleep? Peach sometimes made him ill, and hibiscus would be too strong...

_There is was_. His first true taste of anxiety that morning. His fingers began to tremble against the wood he was holding onto, eyes losing focus as he tried to read the flavors. Hyunjin licked his suddenly dry lips, but his tongue was just as sandpapery and he shivered, feeling acid welling up from his belly and he stumbled back. The heel of his palm pressed against his brow, teeth clenched as he shoved out a harsh breath, as though he could make the panicked feeling leave with it.

"It's just tea. Just pick a flavor," His voice cracked and was low, rough with the morning but his face was pinched his determination as he grabbed the first box his trembling hand came in contact with and slammed it atop the granite, "This is fucking ridiculous."

Hyunjin could insult himself and his anxiety disorder all he wanted, but that did not make it go away and he knew it. He sniffled, fingers wiping away the extra moisture that had begun to build in his eyes before he tore open the paper packet and placed it inside of the _World's Best Dancer_ mug he had left out the night before. It was the small things he did for himself, like leaving out a cup for the morning or packing his backpack the night before that brought him the most comfort. They were tiny, but they were reassuring and made the insanely difficult mornings that much easier. Hyunjin could never thank himself enough for those moments, even if they took a little extra time or were inconvenient. They were _worth it_.

The tea had finished brewing, and a sweet, slightly-lemony scent wafted up to him. Hyunjin raised a brow curiously and checked the packet of the tea he had chosen.

"Oh, dessert tea..." It was iced lemon loaf flavored, and he certainly wasn't complaining. His hands twitched with another tremor but he solidly grasped the hot cup and returned to his bedroom, curling atop of the covers. Hyunjin blew the steam away in the dark room, and took a small sip. The tea itself was not strong, but a note of vanilla hit him before his tongue was coated with a light lemon flavor, mixed with apple and perhaps lemongrass. The effect was instant, and he sighed as wakefulness truly began to find him. The musty feeling that had been clinging to him began to clear up, and Hyunjin felt much more like... _Himself_ as he scrolled aimlessly through social media and drank the hot tea.

Not once did the curls of anxiety leave him, but he did not expect them to and went through his normal morning routine.

 

It was on the way to school that Hyunjin realized it was a bad day. It was something in the way that he stepped into the car, something in the way that he could not stop staring at the dying bee on the front window of his mother's car. He could not name the trigger, because his disorder could be triggered by everything and nothing, but he found himself absolutely fixated on the poor thing as he and his mother drove in relative silence, only one of her many CDs playing in the background. It was some musical that he actually liked quite a bit, but he was hyperfocused on the way the paled bee shuffled on the see-through glass, sticking tightly so as to not be blown away by the wind. Hyunjin could distinctly recall it being there the evening before as he and his mother returned from one of their rare dinners out together.

He had found it impossible to tear his eyes away then, too.

_There's so much more to anxiety than people realize_ , Hyunjin thought to himself as he felt sadness well up inside of him as his eyes bore into the creature, _People just think, oh, you're nervous. It's more. It's feeling sick. It's not breathing. It's focusing too much on one thing, not being able to focus at all. Spells of depression. Dissociating. Why why why why am I doing this now-_

His breathing picked up, and the bee's wings spread. Hyunjin's fingers clenched onto the backpack in his lap, the repeated question of _why now_ rotating in his head. His muscles were tense, teeth grinding. The bee's wings had spread, yes, but still it sat on their window, not leaving in the wind. It made him so _sad_ , because perhaps it was not that the bee wanted to stay, but rather could not manage to leave. Stuck there, going through hell as Hyunjin and his mom drove to his high school. He felt his cheeks warming, another often-unrecognized sign of anxiety and he finally tore his gaze away.

It fell to his lap and his teeth caught the left side of his bottom lip. A flare of pain went through the teenager at the action- It was so tender from overabuse these days, because Hyunjin constantly cycled through terrible anxious habits that all had underlying self-harm built into them. He hated it but it kept him just a bit calmer and already he could feel his phone being slicked with sweat in his hand. His fingers were turning white with how tightly he was gripping the device.

"Are you alright, Jinnie?" His mom's voice chipped at his cloudy wall of thoughts, light and warm. She knew the answer but he cleared his throat and turned to face his window.

"I'm fine, Mama," He replied with just a moment of hesitation. He knew a whole slew of people would tease him if they knew he called his mom _Mama_ , but he simply could not imagine calling her anything different to her face. When Hyunjin even conjured the possibility of being made fun of, his throat began to close up and he shifted in his seat.

Good God, it is a bad day, it is such a bad day but here he is, driving to school like it doesn't feel like his whole world is closing in on him. He logically knew it was not, but he also knew _good luck trying to convince himself to believe it_.

"Do you get out at two-thirty today?" She asked, trying to fill the empty space that was drowning him. Hyunjin's stomach rolled but he nodded tensely, tapping at his tense jaw with roughened fingertips.

"Yup," Hyunjin's voice was steady. He had learned to mostly keep his voice in check over the many years.

"I'll pick you up then, so don't worry," Tears pushed at his eyes at the soothing in her tone. He knew that she was telling him to not worry about much more than getting picked up on time (Another thing that made him incredibly anxious), and that she was using their ordinary conversation as a comfort. She never failed to do her best as a mom, and he appreciated her more than words could ever describe. His mouth twitched down, and he felt a specific muscle in his cheek or jaw area- He could never quite figure out which it belonged to- Pulling, his telltale sign that he was about to start crying instead of successfully holding them back.

Hyunjin's shoulders gave him the impression that someone was digging their fingers into the always-tense muscles, breathing down his neck and worsening the pins he felt there from the moment he woke up. He tilted his head up, but locked eyes on the pathetic bee for the rest of the car ride.

He walked into the school with no hint of tears on his smiling face.

 

"What's up?" Changbin asked the moment he saw Hyunjin cheerily hop up the steps to their normal morning meeting place, and it was not casually so. It held all of the concern and criticism someone could offer when they knew their friend was lying. Their spot was near one of the outside planter boxes in the mostly-empty side of the school, a good place to talk shit about others and keep Hyunjin's crowd anxiety under control. His half-faked smile almost fell, but he had expected his best friend to call him out and he gave a half-shrug in return, setting his backpack down.

"The normal stuff," Hyunjin closed his eyes and gave a mockingly pleasant smile. Changbin snorted, downing the remaining coffee in his travel mug before wiping at his mouth, "How are you, hyung?"

"I've had worse days," The older offered the same type of bullshit answer, and he nodded thoughtfully, mouth sort of pouting as he waved at the passing group of girls who called his name.

"Your hair is cute today, Minji-ssi!" Hyunjin cupped his hands around his mouth as he called out to her, grinning at the way the all four girls began to squeal and hit each other. He was pretty certain Minji had buried her face in her hands, but it was hard to see her over the crowd of her friends pushing her around suggestively and he turned back to Changbin. The teenager was shaking his head, eyebrow raised critically as he shoved the empty mug in his backpack. Immediately, Hyunjin felt his heart pang but he tried to push it back, trying to keep the minor hysteria he was feeling out of his voice, "What?"

"I'll never get why you flirt with everyone when talking to them literally makes you want to die," He gave Hyunjin a dead stare for a few moments.

"That's not-"

"You messaged me last night, and I quote, " _ohmygod hyung talking to people literally makes me want to toss myself in front of a train why am I like this just get rid of me I should die_ ," His voice raised an octave as he rushed out Hyunjin's message in one breath. Hyunjin spread his fingers out, straining them painfully before pulling them and pressing them folded as tightly as he could, feeling them ache. His eyes slipped shut and his head started to ache with tension because he could _feel_ the possibility of this turning into an argument and it made him ill. _So so ill_. Hyunjin's chest swelled with blackness, and it stuck like gunk to his lungs. A bad day, "Jin. Hey, Hyunjin- Just forget it, man."

"You're right," Hyunjin shrugged. He rarely outwardly gave the appearance of falling apart, but after seven or eight years Changbin knew so much better than that, and he could feel the older grasp his hand. He tugged it away, pressing it protectively against his chest- The younger avoided his friend's sorrowful eyes, "But if I act normal, they'll see normal. It's okay. I'm okay."

"You're okay," Changbin loyally repeated, and did not follow Hyunjin as he slung his backpack back on and turned, walking away with quick but measured steps. Hyunjin could not see where he was going through his tears, but he knew the way to his normal bathroom stall by heart and his back quickly met cheap plastic as he fell into it, sliding to the dirty, cold floor. He did not heave shuttering breaths, he did not choke on painful sobs, nor did his face even contort. The clear tears simply slid down pink cheeks and dropped onto his clothes. Hyunjin's mind had come to a full stop, and he could not tell you exactly how long he blankly sat in that stall until the bell to start making your way to class rang

It was like a switch had flipped, and he blinked, patting at his sore eyes and tapping his face, "Shit, it's seriously a bad day. What the heck, I swear."

He spoke to himself in a jovial tone, building the smile on his face as he unlocked his phone, looking at his groupchat. It was dedicated to a band he liked, full of people he had never met, but would consider his friends. He bit his lip- Hyunjin so _badly_ wanted to tell them what he was feeling, to explain the blackness that's roots were digging deeper into the tender flesh of his organs, but he didn't want to ruin their mood. He never did. Instead, he clicked onto the fanboard for the same group, and as he walked to his first class his thumbs hesitated over the screen. _Not there either._

Because the thing Hwang Hyunjin hated most was spreading negativity, and sharing his thoughts about his patheticness in that moment? That was negativity at its finest, or rather, _worst_. Because the thoughts were not kind- They consisted of _why are you like this_ , _just get over it_ , _I want to hide from the world_ , _I hate this feeling_ , _I'm drowning_ , _please help me_ , _I can't do this_ , _I want to go home_ , _make it go away_ -

He was negative. It seeped from his pores and Hyunjin always tried to cover it with his smile.

_I wish there was a place where I could just fucking_ say _it without feeling like trash for ruining someone's mood_ , he thought to himself, offering his teacher a cheery smile as he took his seat and opened his laptop for his self-directed study course. The thought clung to him, but in such a different fashion than most. Rather than nerves striking him, a bright sense of excited hope pierced him.

"Oh," Hyunjin whispered to himself, eyebrows raised. He ignored the look from the girl next to him. _I can do that. For, like...Everyone._

Hyunjin opened Tumblr and began to type away.

It did not stop him from sending a text to his his mom, reading _Please come get me_ , but by the time she arrived, honestdropthoughts.tumblr.com was up and running.


	2. Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will Layni get a handle on her writing style for this fic and the plot?? This remains to be seen.
> 
> Sorry for a long time between updates, like I said this isn't going to be updated on a schedule. The thing about writing an anxious character is that you yourself will get anxious writing it and I'm already anxious 25/8 because Hyunjin and I share the same disorder s o yeah it's not the easiest fic to write in that respect + that it's not my usual setting or genres. Also I'm still figuring out how Tumblr works RIP.
> 
> ANYWAY enough rambling. I hope I can get to introducing the other characters soon, and also remember to keep an eye on the tags as we progress because they will be updated and it could possibly be with triggering things!

The drive home had been filled with unsaid words. Hyunjin could  _feel_  his mother's heart reaching out for him, praying and begging for the chance to protect him from his inner demons. She wanted that more than anything, and he knew it, and even more he felt guilty that no matter how much she wished to be able to shield him from himself, she would never be able to. He felt guilty for the nights he got up to grab a bottle of water and heard her crying in the bathroom, on the phone with his aunt even though it was one a.m. as she mourned the way she could do nothing else for him. Hyunjin couldn't bear to look at her, so he didn't, simply saying anything that came to mind to fill the empty distance between them. He was certain that almost none of the words that came out of his mouth made sense, a mix of praises for his favorite music and pathetic explanations of why he wanted to go home that were not lies, but were not full truths either. The truths scratched at his throat and made it sore.

He didn't know how to stop talking, though.

When the car pulled up in the driveway he had left maybe an hour and a half ago, embarrassment flooded through him as strongly as black coffee hit the taste buds, and Hyunjin dug his thumbnail into his index finger, gathering his school supplies. He could feel his own mind weighing down his body, making it much too heavy. Each step towards that front door made him more and more certain that he was going to collapse. It was all too  _heavy_ , but something in him made Hyunjin force a smile on his face anyway as his mom unlocked the door and let him back in. His eye twitched suddenly and it tore a small gasp of surprise from him- He hated that eye twitch. It always came before an honest breakdown unless he figured out how to calm down. Hyunjin ran a hand through his hair and thanked his mom yet again, grabbing a water bottle and retreating to his bedroom.

Kkami wasn't there, and Hyunjin wasn't sure if he was more grateful or upset at the discovery. There were times were hugging his precious dog could leave such a warmth that is battled the coldness, but other times his tangled fur, his uncomfortably hot and wet tongue, his squeaks and his yips, they were all just  _too damn much_ and Hyunjin would physically tremble as he tried to not be too rough as he attempted to push the animal away. When Hyunjin was  _too_  anxious,  _too_  close to the edge, he lost so much self-control and he was prone to being somewhat violent.

It made him sick. Hyunjin felt sick, again, always, and as he thought of all the times he could have hurt Kkami a small, high-pitch sound began to emit from his open lips and he tore himself from the doorway, eyes on his bed.  _I just need to lay down. Make it stop, make it pause_  and he suddenly knew what he wanted to write on his new blog.

In all reality, Hyunjin hated honestdropthoughts.tumblr.com the moment he posted it- It had been a quick job before his mom picked him up, so ignoring the trembling of his hands, he pulled his laptop out. Nervous, heated eyes closed for a few moments before he typed in his password, opening up Tumblr immediately. He was unfamiliar with the platform, using it only to find gifs, so his page looked unbearably ugly.

"I can fix it later..." He whispered to himself. Sometimes talking helped. Sometimes it didn't. Hyunjin wanted it to help.

He stared at the empty blog post and wondered just how to go about it all. Did he make an introductory post first, introducing himself? Or in order to soothe the incoming panic attack, did he just type down whatever words came to mind, whatever he needed to say to make himself  _feel better_? His teeth chattered and he wished it had to do with the cold, but really his bedroom felt like it was swelteringly hot and he sort of wanted to die. He knew that he doesn't really mean that when he thought it, but he also knew that he wouldn't really do anything to stop Death if it approached him so suddenly, beyond the natural human instinct to keep fighting. Hyunjin swallowed and jerked his head down and to the left- It was an action that always helped him think more clearly, as though he was turning away all intrusive thoughts. He didn't want to write an introduction. That could come later.

Right now he needed to speak before the demons started bleeding out of his ears.

Trembling fingertips ghosted over the keyboard for a few moments. Hyunjin didn't know how the hell to start this but he needed to because he could feel the anxiety flare up inside of him again and then-

The words began to flow.

_Sometimes I resent that there is something wrong with me. It's not fair to think like that but seriously, it's how I feel I resent that I can't live without this disorder and I resent that at the end of the day it makes me a better person. A stronger person. I'm not the only one that gets tired of being strong, right?_

_I hate negativity, I really do, but I also know that's it's necessary. The same way there can be no shadows without light, the same way there can be no good without evil, the same way there can be no softness without roughness, there can be no positivity without negativity to converse it. I get that, and I can accept it most days and that's why I'm here in the first place. But it still makes me sick when I think of all the things I do. My mind isn't nearly as happy as my smile is and sometimes I feel like a liar when I'm really just trying to be okay. But okay is so damn relative I don't think I even know what it is. What's okay some days isn't okay others._

_And I really need to scream. To let it all out until my throat is bleeding because sometimes I think if I don't that it will fill my body up until there is no room left for me. I don't know why it's like this. I don't know why stepping into the car goes to school feels like a death sentence. I don't know why I'm always filled with nervous energy except I DO but I don't get the w h y behind the reason._

_It's the why behind the reason that always gets me._

_I can't say these things to anyone else, I can't admit them because they deserve to be happy but I need someone to hear me. Someone needs to hear me. I can't be alone like this but being alone is the only place that feels safe even if it terrifies me._

_I don't understand myself at all._

He was breathing heavily when his fingers came to a halting stop, and his eyes took in every single frantic word he had written. Hyunjin shook his head in disbelief because it had made  _so much sense_  when he was typing but the final product was just a jumbled mess of thoughts that held no real significance. He couldn't stop himself from shoving a finger between his teeth and biting down  _hard_  so he didn't fall to pieces right then and there. Hyunjin shoved the laptop away, burying his head in his arms. There was such a sharp feeling inside of his stomach, and it had already started its journey through his bloodstream, making his hair stand straight on its ends. It was almost like it was a  _pain_ , but not quite and he didn't know how to explain it. Hyunjin knew it had to do with the feeling of adrenaline but it felt so much worse than that. His throat was closing on him now and Hyunjin knew.

He'd lost this round, and the mangled cry that left his lips proved it.

 

Hyunjin slunk out of his bedroom around five-thirty in the evening. He had spent the whole time he was locked inside of between crying until he thought he was going to start drowning-  _Really_  thought that, because irrational thoughts were his norm- And taking short naps that only worsened his headspace. They only left him more confused and distraught but he simply could not keep his eyes open and when he awoke, it was always to the feeling that monsters were clawing into his back. The brunet shivered and rubbed his arms, making his way to the kitchen. He knew his mom was working and that he was alone, and that only served to make the trembling worse. He shook his head and rubbed a hand over his dry lips, opening the fridge. His eyes widened slightly at the sight of a wrapped-up plate sitting nicely in the middle with a sticky note on top. He grabbed the note immediately.

_' Hyunjinnie,_

_Today is a rough day but I know you can do it! I know sometimes it feels hard to breathe or like there is something that wants to hold you back. Still, you always beat it whether you think you can or not, so hold onto the good feelings even when the world is dark. Mama always has your back._

_Stay strong baby boy and eat well if your stomach feels up to it. <3_

_Love,_

_Mama~ '_

She had underlined the final "Mama" with a cute squiggly line and a laugh puffed from Hyunjin's parted lips. It was a wet sound and he crouched low to the ground for a moment, head bowed as he tried to breathe through the thickness in his throat. He appreciated his mom more than he could ever express, and his thumbs wiped at his swollen, raw eyes. A lopsided smile found its way to his lips and he stood, slipping the note into a kitchen drawer and taking the plate of food in his hands. Hyunjin felt some flare of warmth begin to push against the swirling black in the pit of his stomach and it was such a relief. He uncovered the plate and as he popped it in the microwave to heat up, he jogged back to his bedroom for his laptop.

"I have work to do," Hyunjin mumbled as he grabbed it, but the incessant green _blink blink blink_ of his phone caught his attention. Fingers that ached from bite marks slipped it in his hoodie pocket ( _I don't remember putting this on_ ) and he hurried back out to the microwave before his food could overheat. A delicious, spiced scent filled his home and he grinned. Sitting at the counter, the boy listened to Kkami's snores from the floor as he opened his laptop ( _I don't remember closing it_ ) and unlocked his phone. There were a total of three messages from Changbin, but no more and it was another thing Hyunjin was grateful for. The older always remembered that more than three messages at a time could be overwhelming on any day, and unless Hyunjin did something to really worry or scare him, no matter what he didn't send more than that. He tapped open the app and typed his laptop password in with one hand.

**[ur so fuckin ugly when u smile]**

**darkwho** : u left before lunch??

There was a good hour before the next text had been received. Hyunjin vaguely wondered if he had been screaming or sleeping then.

**darkwho** : should i pick up ur work?

The most recent text was from twenty minutes ago, and it had a sigh of affectionate relief releasing from him.

**darkwho** : ur mom said if you reply in 45 minutes i can come over but if not or u don't want me to that's cool. take a deep breath and pet kkami or listen to music.

Hyunjin knew pretty much two-thirds of the school by name, but only one Seo Changbin could manage to truly be his friend and he loved him for it. He wasn't always the most delicate but sometimes he needed a not-so-gentle shove in the right direction even if at the time it felt like it was burning him from the inside out. Changbin was willing to do that for him, to push him past his limits so he would grow unlike so many others. Even though it hurt the elder too, he rarely hesitated to do what had to be done. Hyunjin took a large bite of food as he sent his reply.

**boihero** : i miss you hyungie :((

**darkwho** : good thing i'm like three minutes from ur door then

If it were anyone but Changbin, Hyunjin would be freaking out, but Changbin had seen him at his best and his worst and so he simply shoveled more of the food into his mouth. It was actually light on the tongue, and he was thankful- Anything too much would have made him vomit in a moment, and he idly tapped around on his laptop. The tab with _honestdropthoughts_ lingered in his peripheral vision but before he could convince himself to finally click it, the doorbell rang. He and Kkami startled at the same time, the small dog yipping in excitement. Hyunjin's whole body, however, had tensed up once again and his next breath had to be forced through clenched teeth. He shoved the plate away and ran a hand through his hair as he made his way through the cold house to the front door. By the time he opened it, his features had marred back into a frown and Changbin hesitantly reached a hand forward. Hyunjin leaned into it, allowing the elder to cup his jaw.

"Should I have texted instead?" His voice was quiet as he lightly pushed the younger back, stepping into the house and closing the door with his foot. Hyunjin shook his head lightly.

"I'm okay."

"You're okay," Changbin responded and ran his fingers through Hyunjin's tangled hair, "It smells like you're eating. Did you save any for me?"

"Mama only made one plate," Hyunjin pouted, "But I saved half for you anyway."

Changbin smiled just a bit and walked through the house like he owned the place- The same way he had been for years. Kkami scampered by his feet and Changbin paused briefly to pet him, and the sight calmed the racket in Hyunjin's chest just a bit. Never enough, but it was something and he slid across the floor, too exhausted to pick up his socked feet ( _Didn't I take my socks off earlier_ _?_ ) to take true steps. Even with his best friend there, the sense of dark inside of his body was still present. It was just a... _Sad_ sort of feeling, and Hyunjin indicated the plate for Changbin to eat from and reclaimed his laptop. The words _fuck it_ rang clear as a bell through his mind before he finally clicked on _honestdropthoughts_. The nauseatingly meaningless words he had typed were still on the screen, but he did not hide them when Changbin peered at his laptop. The older boy did not slow down in his eating or show much of an outward change at all. He continued to munch as Hyunjin tapped his fingers next to his touchpad.

"So what's this for?" He asked in a deceptively collected tone. Hyunjin could see in the twitching of his fingertips that he had been bothered by what he read. His warm eyelids shut.

"I don't like to tell you when things are wrong," His tongue was fighting against the words, sluggish and not wanting to move properly as he formed the sounds, "So I thought I could make a place for everyone to come spew all of their bad thoughts into. I didn't think it through. I didn't know what to post and I'm having a bad day. Wow, am I having a bad day."

"I've noticed," Changbin tilted his head, "Why don't you just post that if it's what you want to say? Then make a post or something that outlines the purpose. You want a place to be honest? Then post what you typed, Hyunjin."

"But this shit doesn't make any sense," Hyunjin's laugh held no real humor.

"It doesn't need to," Chanbin soothed, and he froze when their eyes met, "If that's how you feel, let everyone know."


	3. Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well hi guys I'm back with a new chapter finally, though to be honest my fingers aren't healed yet, haha. I was so close to finishing this chapter that I couldn't help but power through it, it's so hard for me to stay away from writing.  
> That being said, all of your lovely comments really made me realize how sweet you all are! You support me so much and want me to put my health first and I really love that. <3 Thank you so much, those comments really made it easier to get through the more painful days.
> 
> On the topic of the story, in my absence I planned out pretty much the whole fic so the tags have been updated since the last real chapter! They contain a lot of possible triggers so be sure to take a look to make sure this fic is still safe for you to read. If not, I completely understand and remember your mental health comes first! As always, this has not been proofread so feel free to point out any mistakes! Please take care of yourselves and enjoy the chapter.
> 
> Also, happy one hundred days with Stray Kids and let's wish Minho a swift recovery. <3

Seungmin woke up with Jisung snuggled closely against his side, which he was grateful for.

It instantly soothed any fear he had at the inclination of being alone, and so his rapidly-beating heart slowed down nearly as quickly as it had picked up, drawing a quiet sigh from his cracked lips. His arm was actually wrapped around Jisung's shoulder despite his best friend being a little lower than him in the bed, and drowsily he wondered what time it was. Judging by the golden light filtering through his sky blue curtains, Seungmin would hazard to guess late afternoon, if not early evening. He stretched, listening to his joints pop and crackle from the after school nap. He knew that had he been alone, he wouldn't have dared taken the nap no matter how badly he needed it, and affectionately he smiled at the still-sleeping boy next to him.

The apartment creaked and groaned, and Seungmin sighed through his nose, shutting his eyes. The pleasant warmth that seeped through his crumpled uniform was comfortable, but he knew that they had to get up and at least eat before Jisung probably went home for the night. His best friend leaving was what he feared most, but Seungmin couldn't ask him to stay longer than the meal. He had his own homework to do, his own family to get to, his own _everything_. Seungmin appreciated the older always spending time with him, but he knew better than to be selfish. So reluctantly, he traced his fingertips down Jisung's sleeve before wrapping his hand around his bicep, gently shaking the brunet. Jisung groaned, his lips pouting as he sleepily blinked his eyes open. Hazy, they met Seungmin's own and that was enough for the older to break into a gum-showing grin.

"Mornin'," Jisung whispered. Seungmin rolled his eyes.

"It's not even morning."

"It's morning whenever you wake up Minnie. Make the world your bitch," Jisung yawned, sitting up and stretching, "I'd have thought I taught you that by now. So what are we having for dinner?"

It warmed Seungmin's heart, how dinner was just a _given_ to Jisung. Despite having only transferred to the school at the start of the year, he had adapted quickly to everything that Seungmin was and it was...Well, it made him feel loved, a tough thing to do. Not allowing himself to get too caught up in his thoughts, he shrugged, sliding out of the bed. Jisung quickly followed, babbling about some sort of dessert he saw in a shop window that he wanted to try when he had more money. He listened, but not closely. It was the sort of comfortable background noise he needed to drown out the silence, and with that thought he opened his fridge to inspect what was inside. It was the usual- Leftover takeout, store-bought kimchi, eggs, a random assortment of vegetables, so on and so forth. Nothing exciting or dinner-worthy. He frowned, leaning to the side before taking a long step to his pantry instead.

Bread, two-minute rice, ramyun, coffee grounds that Seungmin was pretty sure were months old. He wondered if his dad planned on going grocery shopping any time soon or if he would have to borrow money from Woojin to pay for some. He bounced his leg, looking back at Jisung who was just chattering away. Seungmin wanted to offer to go out, but the truth was he had no money and he was pretty sure the other didn't either. In fact, he was certain, he had watched Jisung's entire wallet be emptied by Baek Jungsik that morning, and Seungmin wondered if he'd get in trouble for touching the " _Help my dad has been missing for three days and I am jobless and otherwise live alone_ " cash his father had set aside in his bedroom.

"Seung, what if we, like, made cheap kimchi fried rice? That sounds yummy, right?" He popped up in front of the boy, startling him a bit. Seungmin stumbled back in surprise but allowed Jisung to rummage through his cabinet to pick out whatever he deemed fit. Unfortunately, a concentrating Jisung was a silent one and he nervously rubbed his palms on his slacks, grimacing at the sweatiness of them. He cleared his throat, grabbing his phone from the kitchen counter where he had thrown it upon returning home from school. His friend didn't seem phased when Day6 began to blast through the cell's speakers, instead bobbing his head along to the music. It helped, a lot, and Seungmin felt the twisting inside of his chest cease.

"Do you even know how to make that?" His voice was skeptical. Jisung grinned.

"Not a clue."

He rolled his eyes and lightly hit Jisung's arm. He pouted, rubbing the spot as though it was sore.

"We can just look it up!"

"Ah yes, two idiot high school students trying to cook something for the first time all by themselves in an apartment when one's dad won't be home until late tomorrow. What could possibly go wrong? Oh _wait_ ," Seungmin raised a brow at Jisung's defiant whine, "We're gonna get ourselves killed. Or, more likely, you'll get me killed in some horribly painful, tragic way but manage to survive and I'll have to come back just to haunt your sorry ass and never let you live in peace. Are you prepared to make that sacrifice for some shitty kimchi fried rice?"

"Always," He nodded. Seungmin snorted.

"My funeral it is, then."

 

The rice tasted about as horrible as he had imagined, but they had also managed to not burn down his apartment complex and laughed loudly enough to fill Seungmin's heart, so he really didn't mind. His steps as he walked Jisung home were hesitant- He didn't want to be left alone. He _hated_ being alone. It was too much of a reminder, too much emptiness to fall into himself and think of all the things he didn't ever want to. The beating in his chest was loud and heavy, but not enough for his friend to hear. He was thankful for that at least, because he didn't want the older to feel _guilty_ for having to go home. That just wasn't fair, and Seungmin could manage. He did, a lot of the time. Despite that, it couldn't calm the frantic fluttering of his eyelashes in his nervous blinking habit. It was such an obvious one, and he cursed quietly to himself, looking away from his classmate.

Jisung cracked his knuckles and grinned at Seungmin's wince. He stuck out his tongue in response and playfully kicked at the teen's ankle, which was easily dodged. Seungmin muttered under his breath and made a threatening fist, but his heart squeezed in his chest as he struggled not to smile back. He felt just a bit more peaceful and allowed himself to flutter in to much less distressing thoughts. His mind wandered to the bar of chocolate he had stashed away between his mattress and the bedframe, the homework that he had finished days before it was due but he still wanted to look over, Minho's last texts to him, his dad's work schedule- All the mundane things he always thought of before he started to worry uselessly. Seungmin wiggled his fingers, leaning just slightly into Jisung. The older didn't react other than to change his walking pace to accommodate.

By the time they reached the front of his house, it was dark and Jisung lingered by his gate, looking unsurely at Seungmin.

"What?" He asked, running a hand through his hair self-consciously.

"It's just...Can you get back home alright? You shouldn't have walked me home, you're the younger one after all," He grasped at Seungmin's sleeves, looking straight into his eyes. Jisung's were wide, questioning, vulnerable- All things that made Jisung someone so easy to talk to. Logically, he could confess to his best friend every reason why he did not want to leave his side. He was certain that Jisung already knew them, however, and so he nodded with a frown.

"Duh? I'm like a few days younger than you?" Seungmin shrugged off the concern and ignored the growing pit in his stomach and waved cheerily as the boy walked through his front door and shut it. Immediately, he shoved his fingers into his pockets, scrambling to find his earbuds. He tugged them out and set off at a brisk pace as he untangled them. Seungmin had not even made it to the end of the street before his earbuds were blaring the same Day6 playlist he had put on in the kitchen earlier that day. He hummed along as he traveled in the streets. Cars drove past him but it only served to reassure him that he wasn't entirely alone. If his dad found out that he wasn't planning on heading home again, Seungmin would probably be in a world of trouble. But there would be not one to tell his dad, and so he didn't let the thought linger.

The night air was cool on his exposed skin, and helped with the heat of his cheeks. They always blushed in fear, and he hated it, so Seungmin found a light gratefulness flutter through him. He did not have to pay attention to where his was going, his feet naturally going the familiar path he almost always took after walking Jisung to his place. Home alone just wasn't where he wanted to be, so when the warm orange lights of JYPlay Café illuminated his face, a sense of peace washed over him. Seungmin breathed in the scent of blueberry desserts and half-burnt coffee before pushing the door open with his shoulder, stepping into the sizeable hangout. Directly across from the entrance was the piano he spotted Woojin sitting at. The counter was to the left and warm cream, brown, and orange couches and chairs were littered in the rest of the room. Short coffee tables and potted plants also made their appearances and he didn't hesitate to pull out a single earbud and walk up to the piano. Woojin was staring at the papers he was shuffling through, and he tapped his fingers next to the keys to grab his attention. Startled, the blond looked up and his lips stretched into a wide smile.

"Seungmin, hey," His voice was like honey on Seungmin's ears, and he let himself be tugged into his cousin's hug. It reminded him of the embrace of a blanket fresh out of the dryer on their rare snow days. It smelled like home and he squeezed quickly before stepping back, "Back today?"

"You don't think they'll mind if I sleep on the couch again?" He asked hopefully. Woojin snorted, running his fingers across the piano keys lightly. Seungmin spotted the red callouses from his guitar.

"Please, the staff here is whipped for you. They're convinced you're an angel. If only they knew," The elder looked at him through his bangs, a fond expression on his face.

"If only they knew," Seungmin agreed, and pouted when Woojin ruffled his hair.

"Let me go grab you a drink," Before he could protest, his cousin was up and at the register. Seungmin huffed, sliding away from the beautiful piano and shuffling over to his favorite orange couch. It was a deep, rich shade with thin brown lines, and it was by far the comfiest, particularly with the pillows. Even better, it was just next to the piano where Woojin spent hours a day, singing and playing. Most of the other patrons were on the other side of the café as it was Woojin's break- If only they knew that he'd be back at it again soon, especially since Seungmin was there. He set his phone on the worn-out coffee table in front of it and settled into the cushy furniture, taking a deep breath. He knew it wasn't his best habit, sleeping in a coffee shop until they closed at four a.m., heading back to the apartment just to get ready for school, and leaving again. Seungmin didn't do it nightly, but he did it more than often enough.

But it was better than sleeping alone.

Woojin returned with a black mug, setting it in front of him. The steam curled in the air prettily, and he waved his fingers in the wisps with a tilted head, gnawing at his bottom lip slightly. The boy took a seat next to him, another cup in his own hands, "Jasmine tea. You don't need any caffeine."

"But I can smell your coffee," Seungmin whined in a nasally tone, "Unfair. I'm telling my dad."

"Sure you are," Woojin replied good-naturedly, inclining his head with a bit of a laugh, "Uncle will definitely tell me off for it."

To that, Seungmin had no reply and with a pout, drank his frankly-delicious tea instead. It soothed the throat he hadn't even realized was parched and a little sore, and he hummed contentedly. As Woojin wasn't playing, soft jazz was floating in the air from the speakers and he removed his other earbud, instead choosing to take in the whole of the atmosphere. It was calm, as always, and it made his eyes pull heavily with sleep. He hardly noticed when the tea was taken out of his hands and set to the side, or the way he was carefully laid down. Seungmin shifted into a more comfortable position, squeezing a green pillow tightly as he mumbled.

He fell asleep to the sound of Woojin playing a beautiful melody, his golden voice dancing like flowers in a field in Seungmin's ears.


	4. Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is so overdue. :'') I restarted it like four times and I'm still not totally satisfied but! You guys have waited long enough. <3 Triggers may include monophobic behaviors, anxiety, references to depression and suicide, and talks of sleeping issues. Also I'm not funny, I'm so not funny so I apologize in advance for my terrible humor that bleeds through in this chapter.  
> Not proofread, so feel free to point out any errors! Comments are loved and inspire me to write~

Seungmin walked to school briskly- There was no other way to do it. The cold morning air nipped at his ears and cheeks but he didn't mind, the music blaring through his earbuds more than enough of a distraction. Loneliness was an ever-present reminder in his chest, pressing against the walls as it tried to suffocate him, but as always the teen paid it no mind. Hear no evil, see no evil, so on and so forth. It wasn't his best system, sure, but it was one that worked well enough and Seungmin had no intentions of changing things up any time soon. He rubbed his hands together as he made his way down darkened, empty streets. His backpack was a heavy weight on his shoulders, and he winced at the textbooks whose corners shoved themselves into his lower back. The pain was minor, though, and a distraction he could afford. That, paired with the music playing through his earbuds, filled his mind so there was no empty space to ponder on things better left alone.

As he neared the school gates, there were more students milling about. In all honestly, it was a welcome sight. His lips tugged into a small smile at the sight of underclassmen pointing and cheering at a video playing on a phone, at trees being surrounded by students, even at the busy students racing across the campus. Seungmin hadn't attended this school for long and, hell, he wasn't particularly close with any student that wasn't Jisung, but he still felt a certain fondness for the atmosphere. Everyone going through the daily grind, finding their friends, eating their last-minute snacks, it created a sad sense of camaraderie that Seungmin liked ironically. He craved that sort of human relationship, that sort of emotional closeness. But it was also way too early for thinking all that, so he hiked his backpack higher, kept his eyes down, and made his way through the entrance.

Seungmin hummed along with his music, bobbing his head as he searched for Jisung's bright purple shoes that technically didn't go against uniform standards. They didn't have it in the dress code exactly what type of shoes to wear, and his best friend absolutely used that to his advantage, wearing the loudest-but-still-fashionable shoes he could find. Seungmin supposed that was what made him comfortable to talk to the boy in the first place. He showed personality and was unapologetically him, something that wasn't easily found and he really liked it. So the moment he spotted the shoes, it was like a breath of fresh air.

"Seungmin!" Jisung called, waving his hand as though the younger could mistake who was yelling for him. He tipped his head in greeting, sitting on the edge of the concrete planter next to him. Jisung's phone was clenched tightly in his hands, he noticed, enough to make his knuckles white but the smile he had was as cheerful as ever. He filed the information away for later and stretched out his legs, looking to the sky, "Sleep well last night?"

He hummed in response, noncommittal, "Did you?"

"I woke up at three a.m.," Jisung reported faithfully, his eyebrows drawn down in seriousness, "My death is imminent. I'd give it roughly twenty-two seconds. Any last words for your best friend?"

"You shouldn't have eaten the chicken I saved last week. This early grave is your repentance," Seungmin looked at him apathetically despite the way his jaw dropped, making his round cheeks even more endearing. Jisung spluttered for a few moments and he sighed dramatically, looking in the distance, "Ah, twenty-two seconds have passed. What a tragic ending for Han Jisung. He'll be remembered with fondness in our hearts and fury in our stomachs for all of the eaten food he managed to steal before meeting his untimely end. There will be no funeral held, but his ashes will be spread across a field of daises later this week. Thank you."

"Bitch, no," Jisung interrupted, "You better make me into a diamond, you cheap fuck."

"Why would I do that?" Seungmin raised his brow, leaning back with a critical expression, "You just said I was a cheap fuck, so now I'm definitely not gonna pay for it."

"Yup, I have the most loving best friend in the world," Sarcasm dripped from the words with a familiar attitude, Jisung's gummy smile shining through the thick greyness of unhappy students. Seungmin grinned, leaning into him and taking the offered juice pouch despite the fact that he had no idea where the boy got it from. Jisung snuggled closely, his breath warm on Seungmin's shoulder. The sound of chatter filled the spaces between their bodies and he sipped on the straw absentmindedly. The cold concrete beneath them was starting to numb his legs but he didn't mind, taking deep, even breaths so as to lull Jisung into a state somewhere closer to sleep. The exhaustion was heavy, hanging off of him like curtains and while Seungmin didn't quite have the right words to help, his actions were something at least. He regretted being unable to do more, but he knew his limits and simply allowed the two of them to exist in the same space. There was plenty of time before class, Seungmin was sure.

For the time being, he could help his best friend like that. It was enough.

 

Seungmin was alone, and he hated it. The walls of his creaky apartment seemed to close in on him no matter how far away he made sure to stay, and he couldn't stop the shivers that went up his spine. There was something painfully visceral about the experience, because he logically knew there was no threat. He was safe even if all by himself, and there was no reason to think otherwise. His doors and windows were locked and shuttered as they always were, including the extra lock on the front he had made his dad install the moment they got permission from the landlord. Seungmin's hands were wrapped around a mug of hot cocoa as his eyes fearfully scanned the living room- All of the lights on. There was nothing that could possibly escape his sharp eyes, but it couldn't stop the innate fear.

He raised the steaming blue cup to his lips and took a sip, the rich taste thick on his soured tongue. Seungmin allowed it to sit there, becoming lukewarm in his mouth. The AC was on and it raised goosebumps on his skin, the thin T-shirt he wore not enough to protect him. His homework was spread out on the floor around him, half-done and neat. He knew he needed to complete each worksheet, every essay, but every time he reached forward to grab his pencil, a sound from somewhere in the apartment would frighten him, and his hand would return right to the hot mug.

"You could call Woojin," Seungmin reasoned aloud, but he knew damn well he was too terrified to get up and grab his phone from the charger. That would mean leaving the paper barrier he had constructed all around him, leaving him in the open for anyone to grab. To do anything with. For _something_ to happen. He wanted to shut his eyes and will the nearly tangible fear away, but if he stopped looking then wouldn't he be vulnerable to the horrors of being alone? He swallowed the remnants of the hot chocolate in his mouth, taking a deep breath that cracked things in his back, "You're no more alone than usual."

But Seungmin didn't feel like it. It was crushing, a feeling he simply could not escape. He craved the loudness of Jisung's laugh, the soothe that Woojin's honeyed voice gave him, even the biting snark Minho provided. He would give the world for any of that, yet it felt like he would be giving the universe instead if he left his stupid circle and Seungmin _hated_ it. His cowardly attitude was one to detest, and he surely did. He just hadn't expected the sun to set so soon. If it were still light out, he knew he could brave the outside, but it was gone and there he sat. He raised the mug back to his lips, tipping it back to take a larger drink than the last. It burned his tongue on the way down and he cried out, carefully setting the mug down.

"Shit, shit, _shit_ ," Seungmin whispered, fanning his mouth. It hurt, and badly. He moaned, scrubbing his hands over his eyes as he unwillingly forced himself to his feet. The teenager carefully stepped outside of his paper circle, cringing when his foot met the carpet. Seungmin hurried towards the kitchen, one hand held behind him as though it was a form of protection. He yanked his phone from the charger and headed for the fridge while humming a children's tune under his breath. Water. Water to stop the burning pain in his mouth, and the phone to call Woojin. His cousin would be off work, he was sure, and if Seungmin wanted him, he would come. He always did- Seungmin knew he was lucky in that aspect.

The cool water flooded between his lips, stinging the area around the burned skin before soothing it. The water was lightly sweet, pleasant, and he leaned into the fridge door as he swallowed. Seungmin was aware of his unreasonable behavior, but the thing about being _aware_ was that it didn't solve everything. If anything, it just made him judge himself more. He really hated that being alone made him feel so _lonely_ \- There was such a big difference between them, Seungmin understood that, but it was like he couldn't make the actual distinction. The boy frowned, unlocking his phone. He could use Woojin's help on homework, anyway.

The yellow-tinted lights of the kitchen blinked. Seungmin's eyes fell shut and he tried to ignore it as the phone rang.

 

"No, seriously, it's a pretty new blog but it makes you feel way better," Woojin insisted. Seungmin nodded without really listening, scratching down a series of numbers to plug in to find the properties of differentials. It wasn't exactly the math he was best at, but Seungmin was still determined to keep his spot in the top fifty students of his year so his cousin became something more like background noise as he tried to work. It wasn't like the older wasn't used to it- That was often just what Seungmin invited him over for. Sometimes, music just wasn't enough to make the suffocation go away. Woojin poked his arm and he rolled his eyes, setting down the pencil and resting his chin in his hand, raising a brow. The other grinned in satisfaction, eyes sparkling, "Now that I finally have your attention. I found a Tumblr blog I think you'd like. Basically, you just send in whatever you're thinking, no matter how bad it is. You can be anonymous and the person that runs it will write a response if you ask. If you don't, then they- He? He just posts it. It's like writing in a diary but with the satisfaction that someone actually took the time to read and listen."

"Oh wow, a bunch of depressed and suicidal people, sounds like a cheerful place to be," He snorted, turning back to his homework.

"Seungmin," Woojin scolded, "I _mean_ it. Look into it. The guy that runs it says some really nice things if you ask for a response. Like, this one girl sent in that she hates going to hang out with her friends because they always buy really expensive things that make her feel cheap, and that like she actually hated her friends because they were all superficial. Something like that. But the guy said that maybe instead of wasting her energy hating them, she could work to change her mindset to being glad that she had friends that invite her out, since not everyone has those."

"He isn't wrong."

"Exactly, but he also said that her feelings were valid and gave her really nice tips on how to positively deal with all her negative emotions. It was pretty cool," The older shrugged, tapping his fingers on the counter, "All I'm saying it that I think it would be good for you to have a place to vent to that's judgement-free, especially since you won't see a therapist and you don't talk to any of us about your problems."

"Rude," Seungmin sighed, but he felt his discomfort rising. His cousin was raising good point, and his cheeks colored slightly in embarrassment, "Hyung, I invited you over so I could get homework help."

"I don't know any of this," Woojin admitted with an easy grin, "You're way better at math than me. I'm making you follow that Tumblr, give me your phone. You don't have to send anything, just read the posts for a few days. You spend half your life there anyway."

Seungmin sighed.

"I should have asked Minho hyung to come over."


	5. Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> /coughs I may or may not have had this done for weeks and just didn't update yikes sorry.  
> General warnings of anxiety attacks and strong language, but I don't think I need to warn about that at this point. Please enjoy and excuse any errors!

Hyunjin's panic attack consisted of staring at his mess of a living room and dry sobbing.

It was the stupidest thing to get overwhelmed about, but when he gazed at the shredded remains of the pillow Kkami had left behind, something ugly and painful twisted inside of his hollow chest and his arms dropped from where they were crossed at his chest, an exhausted breath leaving his slouched body. His shoulders burned with the weight of his own thoughts, and small sounds dropped from his chapped lips. No tears bothered to accompany them, because crying in itself would have been too hard. Hyunjin took a haltering step forward, towards the mess he surely needed to clean before his mother returned, but only made it that singular pace before he turned around and headed towards his kitchen instead. Kkami stared at him, as though he were concerned by the noises Hyunjin was making. The poor dog probably was, he always worried over the teenager. Nails scratched against the floor at his dog approached him, but Hyunjin paid him no mind. It was just too much.

He leaned against the kitchen sink, but instead of looking out of the window, his eyes wandered back to the mess. Blankets to fold. Pillow stuffing and half-eaten trash to pick up. Electronics to put in their proper places. A couch to make look presentable. _Too much_ , Hyunjin thought to himself bitterly, _But it's not even a lot. It's just me. Just me._ The boy tapped his fingers anxiously, still overly conscious of the sobs leaving him. Only Kkami was there to hear, but it was embarrassing to break down over such a _simple_ task. It hadn't even been a bad day, he just felt a little ill after coming home from school. Nothing some rest wouldn't take care of, but when faced with a task as apparently monumentous as cleaning the living room, Hyunjin just couldn't cope.

A loud clattering sounded behind him, and the boy turned just in time to see Kkami climb onto the chairs and snatch the sandwich his mother had painstakingly crafted just the way he liked before she left again for work right off the plate. Hyunjin hardly had the time to protest, and by the time he made it to the other side of the counter, it was gone for good.

"Are you _fucking kidding me_ , Kkami?" He balled his hands into fists, breathing harshly through his nose, "Fucking _damn it_ , I wanted that- Down! Off the chair!"

Fury coursed through him and he marched to the back door, feeling his facial muscles ache at the deepness of his frown. He shoved it open, pointing to their small backyard.

"Don't even look at me like that Kkami, _out_ ," A kernel of guilt had already started to build up in the pit of his stomach, sharper than the anger scorching his skin but he ignored it as the dog trotted out, completely content with himself and his stolen meal. His teeth sank into his plush bottom lip at the same time he slammed the door shut, muttering to himself as he threw away the plate where only bits of lettuce remained. Another look at the living room had him storming to his bedroom instead where the student threw himself onto his bed, pulling his laptop towards him. If nothing else, the anxiety and stupid panic attack had begun to seep towards the back of his mind where they belonged. He shut his eyes as he waited for his computer to boot up. His teeth ground against each other, loud in his ears and painful, but Hyunjin needed the distraction. He always needed a distraction, it seemed.

The boy's stomach rumbled and he sighed unhappily, opening his Tumblr blog. It had been a handful of weeks since he'd opened it, but there were a few things to answer every day. Hyunjin wasn't shocked that honestdropthoughts wasn't a huge hit- After all, it was a blog dedicated to being negative. Of course, he would try his best to give good advice and perhaps comfort those who asked for it, but all of his original posts were as unhappy as he was. He sighed and began to type.

**_Anger Replaces Things?_ **

_Sometimes, instead of worrying and being sad over everything, I get angry instead. It's like the anger just washes everything away so I don't have to look at it, or face it. If I'm angry, then it drowns everything else out, you know? I'd rather be pissed than crying, though I guess sometimes the two go together. But the biggest problem is that it doesn't actually make those feelings go away forever. If anything, it makes them worse over time. It pushes all of the sad and bad things back to the dark corners of your mind, where they ruminate and get worse and worse._

_So yeah, I'm angry. I think I like it better than choking on my own tears because I feel like shit._

_But being angry sucks too, it's like everyone and everything is out to get you. Logically I know that the anger is my anxiety manifesting itself differently, but you'll never catch me actually believing that. I do a lot of self-sabotage. That's just the truth. One day I hope I learn to stop doing that._

_I wish I knew how to give myself the same advice I give you all._

 

The thing about anxiety was that, as often as Hyunjin had bad times, he had just the same amount of good times. Sure, there was always _something_ there, but it didn't always feel the need to make itself known. So as often as he felt like a wreck, he also had a lot of fun and happy moments- Such as wheezing over hilarious animal videos at two a.m. after inviting Changbin over for the night. They laid side by side, the older's arm wrapped around his shoulders and the other holding his phone in front of them. He was much steadier and less physical with his expression of amusement than Hyunjin, who slammed his fist down and buried his face in the crook of Changbin's neck, hardly able to breathe with how hard he was laughing.

"What a- What a _dumb_ pup, hyung, he just _fell_ -" Hyunjin began to wheeze again, fingers scratching the floor as his lungs screamed for proper air. Tears leaked from the corners of his eyes, but they weren't a bad thing. His chest squeezed and he gasped for air, "Off, turn it _off_ , I'm gonna pee myself-"

"Gross," Changbin muttered but he paused the video with a tiny grin, "You're so fucking _weak_ , Hyunjin."

"Shut up, those are hilarious and you _know_ it. I'm gonna die, right here and now," He went boneless against the ground, peering at his best friend despite the awkward position. The light from the phone cast strange shadows on his angular face and Hyunjin tried not to snort, instead shutting his eyes. As much fun as he had watching animal videos- A probably unreasonable amount, really- He also felt compelled to get up and _do_ something, despite it being two a.m. He knew his mom would never allow them to leave at that time of night, much less take them somewhere, and he wasn't particularly interested in sneaking out and walking through dark residential streets until he and Changbin were brutally murdered or kidnapped by child slavers or something equally as terrible. That left him limited to whatever was around his house which, admittedly, was not a lot. Hyunjin spent most of his time online, and particularly working on honestdropthoughts those days. At the thought of his blog, he perked up and grabbed blindly for his phone. His hand hit the ground uselessly a few times before he found it, and Hyunjin tilted the phone so Changbin couldn't see his lockscreen.

After all, it was a picture of his best friend and the loser didn't need any more evidence that he was platonically whipped for him. No, Hyunjin would keep that to himself, thank you very much. He unlocked his phone and opened his Tumblr, and wasn't surprised to see something in his inbox from _bearygoodhyung_. He was a consistent reader of honestdropthoughts, sent in his own confessions, and even talked to Hyunjin- Well, Jinhyun, as he'd named himself- Privately through direct messages every once in a while. He didn't really have many regulars, so it was easy to pick out even which anonymous asks belonged to him. He hummed lightly and Changbin pressed against his side, as they read the submission.

_It's just so tiring. I wish I could make it disappear for him. I can't._

A frown tugged at Hyunjin's lips. The thing was, it was a submission- That meant he just wanted it posted, not a reply. That was how honestdropthoughts was set up- Send in an ask if you wanted "Jinhyun" to say something back to you, send in a submission if you just wanted it out and posted. The words made him nervous, worried- He didn't know bearygoodhyung's life, he only knew what grievances and small facts the other told him online. But it didn't make his concern lessen. He hummed, and looked at Changbin.

"Queue it or post it now?"

"It's two a.m., queue it, you're supposed to be asleep," He ran a hand through his hair, and Hyunjin snorted.

"Oh, yeah, like anyone cares about _that_ ," Still, Hyunjin moved it to his queue and closed his phone, laying his head on his arms. Changbin's phone timed out, leaving the two of them in relative darkness. The only lights were those of the moon and distant street lamps through the small spaces between his window shutters. The teenager embraced the quiet for a bit, blinking slowly. He knew he would be overstepping his boundaries as a place to confess freely to if he tried to bring up Beary's submission through DM. If he wanted to talk about it, he would have sent in an ask. But Hyunjin was just that kind of person, he wanted to _help_ people. That was why he opened honestdropthoughts, to help not just himself but others. It was therapeutic, in a way, dealing with all the shit other people went through without the expectancies that came with being a friend's support center. When it came to Changbin, there was an emotional dependency that could make it exhausting, but all these strangers? He owed them nothing, and they expected so little in return. It felt good to help and even exceed their expectations. But he was delving too far into things. Hyunjin understood his place- If Beary wanted his advice or help, he would come for it.

Changbin tapped his finger on Hyunjin's temple, and he made a face, pushing Changbin's hand away.

"Let's bake chocolate cupcakes," He decided, pushing himself up, "I bought cupcake liners last time I went grocery shopping and they're _calling_ for me, hyung. Screaming. All the way from the kitchen drawer. Are you going to disappoint them?"

"You're such a weirdo," He snorted, but he was close behind the younger, grasping onto his shirt hem as they traversed through the dark room, "Whatever you do, _don't_ blast Berry Good and wake your mom up. Remember what happened last time? I thought I would never make it home, thanks to you."

"My mama _loves_ Berry Good, thank you very much. I was gonna play Oh My Girl anyway," Hyunjin smugly said, flipping on the kitchen lights. The buttons were dirty underneath his fingertips, and it made his mouth sour slightly. He hated when they were dirty, it was always with food and while it was mainly his fault, it didn't make the gross feeling go away. With a pout, Hyunjin wiped his fingers on his sweatpants, squinting at the bright lights. He couldn't help the small smile when he felt Changbin step just a bit closer to him. Despite being the hyung, Changbin was beyond touchy-feely and it felt like the older couldn't go more than a few minutes together without needing to touch Hyunjin or shift just a little closer. It was endearing, and Hyunjin, too, craved physical attention. That was part of what made their friendship work so well. That thought in mind, he spun on the sock-covered ball of his foot and slid his arms beneath Changbin's, lacing his fingers together to hold on tighter. He leaned down enough for his face to rest in the crook of the boy's neck.

Changbin's black sweater smelled of the apple candles his mother liked to burn in the spring and summer, but a layer beneath that was the scent of almond honey bodywash he was so fond of. Hyunjin had first bought it years ago as a Christmas gift, and it had been a constant in their lives since. He tilted his head a little more to press his nose to his friend's skin. Changbin's fingertips worked at the small knots and sore spots that littered Hyunjin's back, and he allowed himself to melt into the embrace. It was comfortable. His mind was nothing but a pleasant buzz of experiences for a few moments- The feeling of his best friend's body pressed against his, their scents soft on his nose, the low hum of the refrigerator, the small ache in his back from leaning down and the coldness of the kitchen tile that seeped through his socks and to his feet. He saw nothing but the backs of his own eyelids and tasted nothing but his own stale saliva.

"You're okay?" Changbin asked quietly.

"Yeah hyungie, I'm okay," Hyunjin replied, and felt relief flood through him. It hadn't been an attempt to convince both himself and Changbin. It was nothing but the truth, and he swallowed.

"That's good. I'm glad, Jin," His voice was filled with gentle sincerity.

"But I'd be better if we made these cupcakes."

"Fucker."


	6. Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I literally keep forgetting to update this fic I'm sorry fkdghdfgh I have so many WIP and finished pieces waiting--

**[ur a loser we dont stan]**

**boihero:** hyungie mama made good food again and told me to invite you get ur ass over here

**boihero:** make no mistake i will c o n s u m e this all

**boihero:** no mercy bro

**darkwho:** did you just fuckin call me bro

**darkwho:** and if you eat that by yourself istg we will have issues

**boihero:** uh?? i have someone o v e r?? it wouldn't be alone??

**darkwho:** bitch u don't know anyone thats not me dont lie

**boihero:** yang jeongin motherfucker

**boihero:** biggest qt in sophomore year

**darkwho:** u used "qt" blocked reported deleted canceled

**boihero:** :(

**darkwho:** ill be there in like ten minutes i'm sprinting

Hyunjin laughed, swiping away the message notification and laying his phone down in favor of looking back up at Jeongin speaking with his mother. The younger boy was making some sort of joke that had his mom looking simultaneously amused and concerned at the same time. He was glad that he'd taken to his mother so well- Hyunjin didn't know Jeongin very well, but the kid was sweet despite his straightforward remarks. They had met earlier in the year when he had stayed after school to talk to a teacher (Something that had caused a good three anxiety attacks through the school day at the thought of the impending meeting). Hyunjin had decided to stop by the library to return a textbook his Korean teacher had said they were finished with when he saw him, all alone. The boy had all of his things set up around him like the library was his home, and despite his social anxiety he decided that the gummy worms in the stranger's lap were a good enough place to start a conversation.

_"I thought we weren't allowed to eat in the library?" Hyunjin questioned as he walked up, fighting against the tightening of his throat. He shoved his trembling hands in his pockets and leaned his hip against the table, the falsely-confident smile plastered to his face. The kid looked up, a bit startled. The teen could hardly keep his semi-hysterical laugh at the sight of his eyes- They reminded him of a fox, an absurd thought that was only humorous because of how damn anxious he was. Otherwise, Hyunjin thought the boy was entirely unremarkable. He was definitely the student your eyes would slide right over, with his perfectly-done uniform and ordinary haircut. At the same time, he was fucking_ adorable _and Hyunjin felt the innate urge to pat his head and reassure him._

_"I thought we weren't supposed to bring back books with coffee stains all over them," He snarked back with no hesitation, and Hyunjin blinked._

_"Yikes, you heard that?" His cheeks were still red from the embarrassment of being scolded by the librarian, which only had made his anxiety a good twelve times worse. He shuffled his foot, "They were tea stains, anyway...What's your name?"_

_"Yang Jeongin. You're Hwang Hyunjin hyung, right?" Jeongin smiled, and fuck. Hyunjin was whipped for those dimples and braces._

_Only later did Hyunjin find out by talking to the librarian that Jeongin would stay in the school library until it closed, and then in the courtyard until security kicked him out to lock the school up for the night._

Hyunjin was confident that Changbin would like Jeongin as much as he did. The two didn't tend to really get close with other people, because no one matched well with them. They were a closed-off pair even if Hyunjin played the role of a confident social butterfly at school. Everyone knew that Seo Changbin and Hwang Hyunjin were a matching set, and well, most people didn't want to actually know Seo Changbin. So they stayed acquaintances with Hyunjin and Changbin didn't bother putting forth the effort to change the "dark" perception people had of him. It was fucking _stupid_ if you asked Hyunjin, but he also just generally did not like people so he left it alone. But Jeongin was different. Even though the initial impression was that he was that invisible kid- And really, he was. The teen had seen countless people just look right over him- Hyunjin was so _drawn_ to get to know him. Perhaps it had to do with the jokes, the fearless words and the optimistic nihilism. Or maybe it was just because he was adorable and Hyunjin was a sucker for cute things and people.

Either way, he wanted to introduce his only two friends to each other because, well, all three of them could use more company.

He tapped his fingers mindlessly on his phone and cleared his throat, "Hey, Mama?"

"What's up, baby?" She asked, her pretty brown eyes moving right over to him. His mom was still fairly young to have a child his age, but she had gotten married early. Of course, the marriage...Well, it was a trail of thought better left alone. Despite her young age, around her eyes were wrinkled with smile lines and her body ached most days. She always worked so hard for him. Hyunjin smiled at her, reassuring her it was nothing bad. He reached across the table and laid his hand flat, palm face-up. Knowingly, his mom placed her hand over his and they grasped each other's wrists. It was an unconventional way to hold hands, but it was hard when they weren't sitting next to each other.

"Changbin hyung is on his way. Do you think he, Jeongin, and I can go out for ice cream?" Hyunjin asked imploringly. She raised a brow.

"I'm pretty sure you mean, "Mama, can you drive us and pay for ice cream?" or something like that," She deadpanned, but before he could reply, Jeongin spoke up quickly.

"No, I don't need any ice cream Ms. Hwang!" He shook his head and waved a hand in front of him, eyes wide. Hyunjin frowned at the insistence in his voice. He knew more than anyone how much the kid liked ice cream, it was one of the few things Jeongin actually talked about passionately. Most everything else he would speak about like it wasn't important, or like it was a chore. Which, frankly, was worrisome. Hyunjin stuck his bottom lip out in a pout and hooked his foot around Jeongin's ankle under the table, their socks sliding together. Their eyes met and he tilted his head, mouthing the silent question of " _What's wrong?_ " His only reply was a shy smile and shake of the head. Hyunjin knew his mother was watching the exchange with careful eyes, but she didn't show it, allowing them their time. He stuck out his other foot, trapping the younger's foot and pulling it towards him. The play was able to drag a more sincere smile out of Jeongin, which was a win in Hyunjin's book.

"Well, that's too bad, because I wanted Jinnie out of the house _anyway_ ," She sighed dramatically. His cheeks reddened- He knew exactly where she was going, and he started to whine but she paid him no mind, "A boy this handsome but he doesn't go out anywhere. Changbinnie's house, that's it. What did I give you all those good looks for? You're _supposed_ to go around wooing the ladies and gentlemen of the world."

"Oh, hyung definitely woos the ladies at school though," Jeongin grinned, swallowing another bite of his mother's pasanda (She liked to try making foods from all around the world, and pasanda was definitely one of Hyunjin's favorites), "I swear, even the seniors fangirl over him when he so much as looks in their direction. Hyunjin hyungs walks into a classroom late? Everyone goes dead-silent and all the girls sigh lovingly."

"How would you know?" Hyunjin muttered, crossing his arms. The quiet nagging in the back of his head grew slightly louder, and he hunched further in his seat. _Shut up, it's nothing_. There was nothing to be embarrassed about.

"I hear things," He sipped innocently at his water, and Hyunjin's mom laughed, patting the teen's arm.

"At least there's that. But, really," Her eyes swept over them, "I'll take you kids to ice cream. You deserve it for working so hard in school all the time."

Yeah, Hyunjin loved his mom a lot. She worked so much harder than he ever could, and yet she always showered him with compliments and love. When Hyunjin and Changbin first met and became the best of friends, she all but adopted the latter and helped to make him a constant in Hyunjin's life. She was kind, supportive, beautiful, intelligent- Everything he could ever want or need in a mother. No matter how tough things seemed to be for her, she was just always _there_ in whatever way he needed her. He knew he was getting too emotional over her just being willing to take him and his friends for ice cream, but that was just who Hyunjin was so he stood and carefully walked his way around the table. Hyunjin bent down and wrapped his arms around his mother's thin shoulders, pressing a kiss to the top of her head. The teen felt her hand stroke his arm and tears stung his eyes, just a tiny bit. Definitely a dramatic bitch, but what could he say? It came with the anxiety.

"Thanks mama," He whispered, and took note of the way Jeongin's eyes averted from the scene, taking another bite of his food- And promptly choking on it when the front door slammed opened.

"Hwang Hyunjin, if you ate all the food I'm gonna kick your ass!"

 

The three students sat on the edge of the sidewalk, ice cream in hand. Jeongin had been given the power to choose where to sit based on his ice cream choices. Hyunjin was a basic bitch and got chocolate ice cream on a sugar cone, which Changbin condemned immediately and instead picked out a strawberry sherbet on a chocolate-covered waffle cone. Jeongin claimed himself to be the superior of the three with his one scoop of banana, one scoop of vanilla topped with caramel syrup in a chocolate-covered waffle bowl. Hyunjin couldn't deny the truth in that statement and Changbin sulkily agreed, thus giving Jeongin the final say on where they enjoyed their frozen treats. In all honestly, Hyunjin couldn't care less where they ate- He was just glad the younger hadn't questioned the way he'd pressed himself against Changbin the moment they walked into the shoppe, holding onto his best friend's sleeve and whispering his order in his ear. Jeongin even had kept quiet about Hyunjin's shaky palms wiping sweat away on his jeans while Changbin ordered for the both of them.

In short, the kid was a blessing. Hyunjin knew he was the kind of friend he'd want to keep around.

Plus, he was still fucking whipped for that braces-filled, dimply smile so yeah. Yang Jeongin. Quality kid. As they ate in relative silence with only the sounds of cars driving by filling their ears, Hyunjin read through his Tumblr inbox. As expected, most every ask and submission were anonymous. He had come to realize that people wanted to say all those things but they also didn't want to lay claim to them. He wondered if writing the words and then pretending they never existed even helped the people who confessed to him. All Hyunjin could hope was that they came back and read what he said back to them, that his words could bring them just a bit of comfort.

"So Jeongin, what do you do when school isn't inevitably kicking your ass?" Changbin asked, licking the dripping edges of his cone. He was the type to lick his ice cream cleanly and neatly, which meant he took forever and a day to finish eating it. But Hyunjin was pretty interested in the answer, and so he set his thoughts aside and listened to the youngest speak as he queued a handful of submissions.

"Well, I'm part of the choir so there's that a lot of the time," He tilted his head back thoughtfully as he spoke, eyes trained somewhere out of Hyunjin's reach, "I dunno, I mostly focus on that and school. I study a lot."

"You don't go out?" He pushed, meeting Hyunjin's gaze from behind Jeongin's back. He shrugged at his friend's questioning expression. Their eyes battled for a moment, having a silent conversation that only they could possibly understand- _Is this kid friendless? I met him at the school library man, probably. What happened to the biggest cutie of sophomore year? Does being friendless make him any less adorable?_ Changbin made a face and sat forward again. Hyunjin noticed the way he checked Jeongin carefully as he did so, making sure the teenager hadn't caught onto their private conversation right behind him. He noisily chomped down on the remainder of his cone once he was sure no eyes were on him and wiped his fingers onto the rough napkin. Jeongin still seemed pretty off-put by the question and Hyunjin winced, watching the situation from the corner of his eye as he read an anonymous ask.

_I'm lost. I don't know what home is anymore. How am I supposed to be myself if I don't even know where the "myself" came from? I'm sick of it here. I don't think any of my life is working out. I'm floating away and I lost sight of land. ://_

"No, I need...To study," Jeongin inspected his sweet treat. The boy's feet began to rub against the street they sat on, "I have to do well, or nothing is going to work out. I have some friends I know but we don't really go out, I just message them. I _have_ to do well."

"Doing well is subjective," Hyunjin smiled, and promptly decided the subject needed to be changed. There was a pit forming in his stomach, the kind that wanted to be released only through incredibly anxious pacing and tapping his fingernails loudly on hard surfaces, just enough to cause a small shock of pain but nothing to do real damage. He shook his head just a bit, swallowing convulsively. He could hear his heartbeat loudly in his ears, and his eyes were wet. Hyunjin turned a bit away from the others to hide it and forced his voice out, trying to ignore the trembling, "What period do you have lunch, Jeongin?"

"The same as the hyungs."

"How do you know what lunch we have?" Hyunjin laughed at the sincere confusion in Changbin's voice. _Untighten, untighten,_ he pleaded to the feeling in his chest. Anxiety skittered up his back like hundreds of small spiders and the imagery of it made him feel physically ill. He wrapped his shaking arms around his knees, laying his cheek atop them. He _had_ to work through it. Hyunjin couldn't identify just what in their small conversation had triggered the fight-or-flight response in him, but it certainly had. Echoes of past arguments reverberated in his head, drowning out Jeongin's witty reply to Changbin's inquiry. _You're so fucking useless, you can't even_ \- _Don't move an inch or else I swear- Hyunjin, just what do you think you're doing?_ Swallow, he had to swallow again and make his ears pop so the noise couldn't reach him anymore but he seemed to have forgotten how. The saliva, still sweet from the stupid ice cream Hyunjin had just wanted _so badly_ pooled in his mouth- No, no, not pooled. It filled and drowned his taste buds and his stomach was rolling. Sweat formed at his hairline. Memories better left untouched just wanted to come to the surface.

"No fucking way, not here," He whispered the words to himself without realizing, and drool leaked from the corner of his mouth. _Gross Hyunjin, that's gross_ , he scolded himself, wiping it on his bare arm as discreetly as possible.

"Hyunjin," Changbin said. He stiffened, and sat up straight. With as much control as he could manage, Hyunjin turned just enough to see the older out of the corner of his eye, releasing a weak _Hm?_ as he did so, "In for four, hold for seven, out for eight, man. Start with me."

His cheeks burned but Hyunjin latched onto the soothing tone of Changbin's count, ignoring the catches in his breath as he inhaled, and allowing his warm eyes to close as he held it. _Right in front of Jeongin_ , he scolded himself, and the thought made his face twitch with unshed tears, _How am I supposed to be his friend if I fucking scare him like this right off the bat? It's only been a bit. I messed up. Shit._ Unexpectedly, a hesitant hand landed on his calf and when Hyunjin didn't pull away, Jeongin kept it there, imitating the breathing as Changbin talked them through it. It was surprisingly comforting, having someone doing it with him while he could still hear his best friend count. It was like he wasn't _alone_ , like he was calming down. The contact between Jeongin's gentle hand and his leg grounded him, because the touch was light. It was anchoring him far, far away from the violence of his competing memories.

Cars drove on right by, ignoring the three boys at the street's edge.


	7. Seven

"Nightmares are dreams that result in feelings of extreme fear, horror, distress, or anxiety. This phenomenon often tends to occur in the latter part of the night and often awakens the sleeper, who is likely to recall the content of the dream," Jisung read out from his phone as he chewed noisily on his sandwich. Seungmin nodded along, poking unsurely at his plastic cup of pineapple. He bounced the leg his best friend wasn't laying on anxiously, mulling over the words. When he'd asked him to Google information about nightmares, he was sort of looking for a little more in-depth information than that. The sun was uncomfortably warm through his uniform and he shifted back to let the shade of the nearby tree cover him a little more. Seungmin hated having lunch at this time, the sun was always bright but the shade never reached anywhere he could sit. That meant that napping during lunch was a little less than impossible. Annoyance at the whole situation tugged in his gut.

"Then why the hell am I so prone to them, anyway?" He mumbled, stabbing the pineapple with a pout. Jisung made a face as he shielded his phone's screen from the sun, scrolling and tapping away at things Seungmin couldn't see.

"Anxiety, depression, PTSD, sleep disorders, the works," He read off a short list before laying his phone on his stomach, "Why? Are they really bothering you that badly right now?"

"I mean, no more than usual but it just..." Seungmin stopped speaking for a moment, his throat tightening just a fraction. He ran his fingers through Jisung's bangs, and he could feel the other's eyes on him as he tried to keep the emotion from choking his voice too much. His eyes narrowed as he took a deep breath and continued, "They always bothered me since then, right? I only had Woojin hyung but that was if he visited. Then a few years later he introduced me to Minho hyung and then I had either of them if they visited. But then a few months ago I moved _here_ and met you and now I have all three of you, right? So when one of you guys sleep with me the nightmares go away for the night, and I'm used to being with one of you three a lot."

"Seungmin..."

He refused to look Jisung in the eyes.

"So I guess when I'm alone it just...Affects me more since I'm used to not having them as much? But it's not worse than before. If that makes any sense," His explanation sputtered out and he forked the last piece of pineapple, bringing the overly-sweet piece to his mouth. Seungmin hated fruit cups but they were cheap and stored well, and since his dad wasn't home as often as he'd like, he could only buy so much fresh food. Jisung was, thankfully, silent as he poured the syrupy remains into the planters and shoved the empty container back into his bag. It wasn't like the content of the nightmares wasn't anything Seungmin couldn't handle- He was pretty prideful in his skill to not really give a damn. But what _did_ get to him was the lack of proper sleep, and that made his discomfort at being alone even harder on him, too. Seungmin was less likely to listen to his logical side when he was sleep-deprived and jittery.

They remained silent as students passed by them, drinking cheerily from juice cartons and laughing in high tones that sort of made Seungmin want to cover his ears. Sometimes he was down and just wanted the rest of the world to not mock him with their easy smiles. He knew a few things though- One, that was impractical, two, that was insensitive, and three, those smiles probably didn't come as easy as it seemed from the outside. Everyone was dealing with their own personal struggles and he was confident that not one person he came across wasn't worried about _something_ in their life. Seungmin sighed through his nose and with the crack of his neck decided to store that sort of negativity away in the back of his mind, a place where it belonged for the time being.

"Well," Jisung spoke suddenly, sitting up from Seungmin's lap. He turned to face the younger and messily shoved the rest of his sandwich inside his mouth before clapping his hands together and speaking around the bread with a grin, "Looks like I'll just have to stay at your place more often!"

 

Seungmin tapped his fingers methodically against the keyboard, but not with enough pressure to click any of the keys. The school library was fairly empty, seeing how as classes had been over for a good few hours. Jisung had a family event planned- _For once_ , Seungmin had thought bitterly, but then regretted it the moment after. As absent as his parents were in the boy's life, it wasn't like they didn't love him and they only worked so much so Jisung could have a good life. He knew just how much his best friend loved his mom and dad, so even if Seungmin couldn't relate, he felt guilty for thinking ill of them. The Hans had been nothing but pleasant since he has first stepped into their home months ago. But either way, Woojin had an appointment of some sort that he _insisted_ he couldn't miss and Minho was, predictably, out of contact yet again. Worry nipped at him but Seungmin knew he would return when he felt up to it.

All of this, along with his dad working late again, led to the boy sticking around the school grounds long after the bell. Homework finished and any tests already well-studied-for, he sighed and wondered what he could do with his time until the sun began to dip under the horizon and cast an orange hue to kiss the planet. The screen of his phone lit up for a moment and he peered over at the notification that read " _New post from honestdropthoughts. They seem to be a favorite of yours._ " Seungmin swiped it away and instead typed the URL of the blog into the browser on the computer, and quirked a smile at the aesthetic of the foggy cherry blossom header, paired with the icon of the sunrise. It wasn't perfect, by any means, but it was a nice attempt at creating a calming atmosphere. He had a feeling the blogger, Jinhyun, probably put a lot of thought into picking both photos and the colors. With the pleasant thought in mind, Seungmin read the most recent posts.

[ **NOTICE**.  
Temporary leave! I have a project I need to work on for school but will leave my inbox open for any confessions. :) Please keep sending your honest thoughts in, I'll get back to them soon. If you're overwhelmed with things to do in the next few days, make a checklist to help organize. Stay healthy!

-Jinhyun]

[ **anonymous** asked: When only bad things happen, I feel sick to my stomach but when good things happen I feel so disconnected. Everything is tiring and the world should just come to its fucking end already so we don't have to suffer so damn much. -hopelessanon

 _Jinhyun and His Honest Thoughts: Hi hopelessanon! I'm glad that you came to me. It's normal to feel upset when things aren't going well, and if you're having a hard time, sometimes that makes it even harder to feel happy when everyone else is, right? You probably feel like their happiness is just there to poke and prod at your wounds. I think that as time passes, we grow weary and want to give up, but we also think we can't, so we wish for the world to disappear instead. Maybe instead of thinking "The world should just come to its fucking end," think "What about the world is making me hurt, and how can I do something about it?" The thing about being happy is, while others can make you happy, you need to be open to those positive feelings. Instead of locking yourself in with negative thought patterns, it helps to try and just think positively, even if you don't mean it. You must be an active part of your own happiness, and I truly hope you find that and become an unhopeless anon. Take care and drink something refreshing, you deserve it. <3_]

Seungmin read the post over a few times, rolling the words over in his head. He wasn't sure that they would exact help the confessor, but at the same time, they were _true_. He particularly was fond of the ending- _Take care and drink something refreshing, you deserve it._ It was just nice to see something so kind amid all of the heavy things. He supposed that was why Woojin had recommended the blog to him- He'd assumed it was just a bunch of depressed people talking down on themselves with someone posting the words for them, but instead Jinhyun actively tried to give advice and sometimes even would make posts with his own coping techniques in tough situations. It was an interesting blog, and he felt a certain fondness for it.

"Should I..." Seungmin whispered to himself hovering over the chat bubble. There wasn't anything he really wanted to send in, but he _did_ want to tell Jinhyun thank you for making the lonely evenings a little fuller. When he was all alone in that creaky, terrifying apartment, reading through the blog was something like a little hug for him. He scratched absently at a scab on his finger before shutting his eyes and clicking it, "Okay, step one. Now just stop being a loser and do it."

_**theysayimmapocketofsunshine** : Hi Jinhyun, my name is Seung and I just wanted to say thank you for the effort you put into your blog. :) I know it helps a lot of people! Hope you've had a good day!_

He sent his message and leaned back in his chair to see out the window. The sun had begun to set and he cursed, logging out of his Tumblr and off his student account. Seungmin packed the remnants of his notes into his bag, grabbed his phone, and briskly set out of the library. Rushed fingers struggled to untangle the strings of his earbuds as he exited out of the school gate. The evening air was still warm on his face, but not unpleasantly. He slowed his pace and inhaled, directing his eyes towards the orange of the sky. The clouds were wispy, hardly clouds at all, and Seungmin spotted someone's drone flying around in the distance. Finally, his earbuds were freed from themselves and he plugged them into his phone. The screen was covered in scratches from a good three years of use, but he was fond of the old thing anyway. It still worked solidly after all that time, and he opened his music app.

As much as Seungmin had hurried away, there was no where to go and nothing to do. He carefully slid the buds into his ears and played the first album that came up- Some girl group he failed to recognize. Their voices were sweet and cheery, enough to make him grin despite himself. He put his phone back in his pocket and stretched his arms in front of him, savoring the feeling. Walking around as night fell was one of the best things, honestly. Seungmin could pass by anyone and anything, but just become a distant memory. He was free to think and ponder, to consider and to question, and none would be the wiser. It was freeing. Being able to just be was good, and it didn't feel lonely like being locked in his apartment did. The atmospheres differed greatly, the epitome of alone versus lonely.

Seungmin felt his phone buzz but ignored it, instead filling his lungs with an aching breath as he stepped down the streets. A butterfly fluttered in the air and he smiled peacefully.

He wasn't alone.


	8. Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter introduces the concept of bullying, so please be aware if that is potentially sensitive content for you! Don't forget to brush up on the tags every once in a while, as all trigger warnings for the fic as a whole are there.

_**theysayimmapocketofsunshine:** Hi Jinhyun, my name is Seung and I just wanted to say thank you for the effort you put into your blog. :) I know it helps a lot of people! Hope you've had a good day!  
**honestdropthoughts:** hi seung!! i'm actually so glad that it helps, it means a lot that you'd say that. (´ω｀*) My day has been pretty ok lol, but I hope yours was great~_

Seungmin stared at the message for a moment before snorting- He hadn't pinned Jinhyun for an emoticon guy, but it was kind of cute.

_**theysayimmapocketofsunshine:** It definitely didn't go badly! And of course I'd tell you that you're doing well with your blog, it's really comforting to read through your advice sometimes._   
_**theysayimmapocketofsunshine:** Well, a lot of the time lol_   
_**honestdropthoughts:** (*ﾟｰﾟ)ゞ just doing my due duty as an anxious wreck! but for real, if u ever need any specific advice i'm here~ If you don't want to send in an ask you could just talk to me through here. ^_^_   
_**theysayimmapocketofsunshine:** lmao mood though. I'll keep that in mind~~_   
_**honestdropthoughts:** or u can just talk to me about whatever, i may be an anxious wreck but I do like talking to people!!_

Before Seungmin could reply, the sound of the front door opening resounded through the creaky apartment, and he looked up from his phone. He locked it, setting it on his bed as he ventured out of his bedroom. His steps were hesitant, but as expected it was just his father. Well, perhaps Seungmin could actually consider that _surprising_ since the man was rarely home. Nervous fingers tugged at the edges of his hoodie as he stepped into the kitchen where his father was placing a couple of grocery bags on the counter. The man didn't seem to notice him, whistling quietly to himself as he unpacked it. He could...He could turn around and pretend like he'd never left his room, and he sincerely gave that thought for a moment before sighing in defeat, "Hi, Dad. Welcome home."

"Oh, Seungmin," The whistling stopped immediately, and there was silence between them. He was already regretting his decision to interact. It would have been enough to just know that he wasn't home all alone, but _no_ , he had decided to come out and try to make conversation and like...Seungmin could laugh at himself. He always did that. He was so stupid, "I saw your last test scores, good job."

"Thanks," Before he could stop himself, Seungmin already could feel himself latching onto the small praise. A smile tugged up the corner of his lips, and he grabbed the bag of carrots to stow away in the fridge, "Are...Are you busy tonight?"

"Not really, but I'm tired so I was going to head to bed. Do you need any more money or are you good on cash? I wasn't sure what we had at home so I didn't buy much," Seungmin stared into the open fridge in front of him as his father plowed right on. As though, again, the teenager hadn't tried to reach out. Connect. His hands gripped the appliance handles tightly, and frustration licked at his insides. _Stupid_. He wasn't sure why he kept trying to make that leap when, every time, he failed. Seungmin _always_ fell into the pit of casual rejection and it was always his own fault. Tired eyes slipped shut as his father rambled on with questions he didn't really want answers to, but at least it wasn't quiet. At least Seungmin wasn't alone. That was all that mattered, even if his heart hurt badly enough to bring him to tears.

 

"You might wanna head to the East wing," A girl chewed on her bubblegum loudly as she approached Seungmin. He looked up from where he was gathering his binders, eyebrows pulled low in confusion. Her eyes became sympathetic in an instant, and she shrugged as she leaned against the desk. The short skirt of the uniform rode up and he caught her tugging it down as though it was uncomfortable, though her face seemed unbothered. The sticky air of the classroom sat between them like a dare of who would speak up next, but Seungmin simply offered her a polite smile and incline of his head for her to continue. She sighed, running a hand through her short hair, "Well, like, Han Jisung's your friend, yeah? And he has issues with Jungsik oppa- Well, Jungsik oppa has problems with him. Like I said, the East wing."

Fear gripped Seungmin by the back of his neck, much like a predator ready to snap it, and he nearly choked on that thick air as he took a large gulp of it, hurriedly grabbing the rest of his things and maneuvering around the girl and desks. He could feel her eyes on his quickly-retreating back, but she wouldn't get it. Almost no one would. Jisung was...Security. Happiness. Someone he looked up to and someone he treasured. Yet _no one_ seemed to treat him that way, choosing instead to be cowards as their fellow classmates teased, harassed, and stole from him like he was lesser. Jisung was _not_ lesser, and Seungmin's lungs burned as he sprinted through too-crowded hallways. The blood rushing passed his ears was loud, because it wasn't just fear and fury for his best friend. No matter how much he tried, he just couldn't manage to evade every person's touch. Hands brushed against his thighs- _Danger_. Shoulders knocked into each other just slightly- _Danger_. Words were being spoken at but not to him- _Danger_. Adrenaline was a funny thing, and it burned his insides.

But he'd fight through the fear for Jisung. Because Jisung always did so much for him, so beyond the blurring colors of the hallways and the searing touches of strangers, Seungmin was going to find him even if he couldn't save him. He was going to pick up the bruised and brokenly-smiling remains, since that was what he knew how to do.

And there were people who knew- Who recognized Seungmin and his panicked body language, the breathing that felt like it was tearing his throat as he tried to find just _where in the hell in the East wing_ his best friend was. They were the classmates that stood by and watched it happen every damn time. He couldn't understand the rationale of watching the same, innocent person be persecuted just for existing and not lifting a finger. He didn't get the way they whispered and pointed like it was a movie instead of real life. Jisung was real. Jisung was human. Jisung was _hurting_ and _hated_ school and sometimes would call Seungmin at six a.m. and cry because he was scared to go. Anger was pushing at his skin and twisting his stomach by the time he found Jisung pinned against a wall, looking anywhere but at Baek Jungsik's taunting face.

"Well, Han?" He asked, pressing himself closer. Jisung's rounded eyes flickered up for a moment, throat convulsing in a swallow. There was already a steadily-darkening mark near his eye.

Yet Seungmin found himself in the same predicament as always. The crowd was too thick and as much as he wanted to _stop all of this_ , he couldn't. He just couldn't force himself between those small spaces and deal with all that when he was already dialed to one-hundred. His chest felt like it caved in on itself with the force of his next exhale.

"I'm not giving it to you," Jisung replied, and winced when thick fingers grasped his jaw. Jungsik's other hand fell heavy onto his shoulder and Seungmin jolted because his mind made the connection in an instant no matter how unreasonable it was- He could feel that hand on _his_ shoulder now and everything had become much worse than it needed to be. The sun shining through the windows was too bright when paired with the artificial ones on the ceiling, and his eyes pounded with the start of a headache. Seungmin bit his tongue- It was about _Jisung_ , not him, but somehow he always knew how to make himself the victim in a situation, didn't he? Tension rose inside his body when he caught sight of Jungsik's hand pulling back-

"That's enough. Juniors shouldn't be fighting like that."

It was like that unfamiliar voice set off a bomb, because the twittering gossip between students increased. Seungmin shut his eyes tightly, breathing through his nose. He couldn't make out the words exactly, his mind was too busy with his own self-critical thoughts but he had the feeling none were quite so pleasant. Yet, by the time he forced his eyes open again, Jungsik was _gone_ and he threw himself beside Jisung, who had sunk to his knees on the dirty hallway floor. His best friend looked at him with concern, as though he had been the one in the bad situation. Anger and fear were still a present taste on his tongue when Jisung's savior waved his hand to get his attention.

"Hey, listen, maybe you should take him home," The boy definitely wasn't from their year, and his unevenly cut hair made Seungmin scoff.

"Oh, like you have any right to tell me what to do," He bit out. The stranger's face contorted in confusion, but Seungmin was angry and he just happened to be the perfect target, "What, were you watching too? Waiting until _after_ he got hit to do anything about it? Don't act like you're some sort of hero for chasing Jungsik off _after_ the damage was done. You're no fucking better than the rest of them."

"Minnie," Jisung whispered, tugging his sleeve. He ignored it in favor of pushing all the tightness in his body out through his mouth as he spoke.

"It only suited you to show up last minute. Makes the show more dramatic. No one ever saves Jisung to save him. What, were you trying to gain street cred or something? Newsflash, stopping high school bullies doesn't mean shit! Do you want me to thank you? You do want me to just _cry_ in relief and gratefulness, swear to make it up to you and repay you however I can?" He was overreacting, even he could understand that, but he couldn't _stop_. It felt good to have an outlet for all the terror and fury he had to go through. Having a target for all the injustice to be pinned on, without potentially making everything worse for Jisung? It was therapeutic, relieving, to get it all out, even if the person he was taking it all out on was in fact someone he should have been thanking. Seungmin didn't know how to make the angry words stop, but as he stared challengingly into the dark eyes, they seemed understanding, considering even. Guilt layered itself on top of all the other nasty emotions.

"Hey, hyungie did the right thing!" Seungmin turned to the indignant voice, and was surprised to find his year-mate Hwang Hyunjin stepping to the stranger's side with red cheeks. Hyunjin was the kid that _everyone_ knew about, and most had talked to on some level or another. The teen didn't generally get himself involved in anything unpleasant, and Seungmin felt himself wondering just how he knew the upperclassman who looked to be the definition of _unpleasant_. Still, his classmate clung to the other's arm.

"Hyunjin, stop, it's fine."

"No, Changbin, you literally _stopped_ his friend from getting picked on, he shouldn't be yelling at you," Hyunjin insisted, but before Seungmin could say anything, this Changbin poked Hyunjin's cheek and turned around, walking away. His fellow junior seemed stunned and confused, but his eyes lingered on Seungmin and Jisung for no more than a moment before he followed, calling for what he would have to guess was his friend. Seungmin narrowed his eyes at the sight of Hyunjin's nimble fingers rubbing the fabric of his pants between his fingers, almost like he was nervous, but Jisung was glaring at him and he sat back with a heavy sigh. The others disappeared with the ring of the bell, and the hallway was empty.

"What?"

"You know what, Seungmin. Are you okay for me to...?" He let the question linger in the air, and he nodded. Jisung's thin arms encircled him in a hug, but before he could rest his head anywhere, Seungmin shifted so he could inspect his face. Other than the reddening marks of Jungsik's rough fingers on his jaw and the bruise that was a pale purple just above his cheekbone, Jisung seemed fine and he released all his breath. Exhaustion clung like a wet blanket, but for whatever reason Jisung took it on himself to be the strong one of the two of them again, because he spoke, "Let's skip the rest of the day and see Woojin hyung, I want coffee."

 

 **_theysayimmapocketofsunshine_ _:_ ** _You said I could talk to you about anything, right?_  
**_honestdropthoughts:_ ** _anything  
**theysayimmapocketofsunshine:** Does that include just a bad day??_


End file.
